the hatred of love (pony and raven)

He let out a soft sigh, maybe he had been a bit harsh the day before. "Come on in." He mused moving aside though he shut the door to his closet. "Make yourself at home I need to get cleaned up." He went into his bedroom and got a change of clothes. After a few minutes he walked into the hot water he started for the shower. Why was he like this? he wasn't like this before, not to women. Not to her. "I miss you Lynn. He thought as the water hit over his naked frame. He grabbed the soap as he closed his eyes running the bar of soap over his body to get clean. "Let me help you my love." He kissed her lips and began rubbing her back with the bar. When he was finished she did the same for him. They had finished making love a half hour ago and now he had to go to work. He loved her touch and the way she kissed him, 'I miss you Lynn.' He repeated. stepping from the shower ten minutes after he had gotten in.

He dried off and put a pair of pants on, his body was in surprisingly good shape for someone who really didn't care about anything. It was one of the few things he did to keep busy and his mind off of the love he had lost, but the thought of here always came back. He didn't have dress shirts anymore, his bedroom closet was for her memory. A type of shire to her and everything they held dear. He knelt down in front of it trying to hold the pain still in his heart from just looking at her face. Her picture was the main thing that made him cry these days, that and the grocery tie ring in front of it. It was his way of coping with her loss, he needed to see her and be able to at least talk to her, even if she wasn't there.

After another five minutes he got up and placed a skin tight shirt on wiping his eyes just in case he had cried without knowing it. He walked from the bedroom after closing his closet once again. "Sorry for the wait." He said softly it was like this everyday in the morning he would be depressed, and by noon be pissed off at the world that had taken her from him.

"I hope you are hungry I made a lot of food I wasn't sure how much you'd want." Alex said softly. "I don't believe I got your name. I'm Alex by the way." she said softly "I feel like we got off on the wrong foot." she said looking around a bit "this is a nice place. I'm kind of new in town I just moved here with a group of friends those people I was with last night are the only ones I know. I have some family in town but I don't know them that well." she said softly. She sighed shifting a bit shyly "so do you have many friends here?" she asked trying to make some small talk she sucked at it but she was trying.

"Kole." He said introducing himself. "As for friend's not anymore. They all decided to leave after high school." He grabbed two forks and two knives from the drawer. "I don't have much here anymore, I don't feel the need to keep a lot of things." It was hard for him to explain anything, he didn't like talking that much and when he did it always sounded like he was bitching or biting someones head off. He took a bite from the food she had brought over. "I haven't had a meal like this in a long time." The taste slowly hit him as his lovers food came back into his mind. 'I know this.' he told himself he knew where it had come from before but why was his mind playing tricks on him? Was that the last dish she had made for him, or was it just something they had in common? He held back but his eyes clearly had become more watery. Why couldn't he get away from the heart ache?

"I didn't have many friends to begin with, I'm sorry to hear your friends left after high school. You might be a bit rough around the edges but you are so bad once I get to know you a bit. " she watched him closely "are you alright you very sad suddenly is something wrong?" she asked softly getting up and goign over to him she hesitated before gently setting her hand on his shoulder looking concerned. "is it the food?" she whispered gettign worried she didn't like seeing any one looking so sad.

He wanted to say no but he couldn't. He slowly nodded his head once her hand was set on his shoulder he was gone. He was back with Lynn again looking over the counter in her house on a Saturday morning. Her parents had gone to work and he had stayed over. "Do you like them baby?" He smiled looking up at her as he nodded his head to which she smiled in return. "I'm glad I remember you saying you didn't like them but it was the only thing to really make.I tried to make them differently so they wouldn't taste all doughy for you, who would have thought that adding an extra egg into the mix would have done that?" He took another bite as she slowly walked over to him placing her hand on his shoulder, once he swallowed the bite of his food he could feel her lips against his as her hands rubbed his chest. "I love you so much Kole."

There was sweat on his forehead now as though he had just seen a ghost. He hated pancakes but these tasted the same as hers. "You, added...and extra egg, didn't you?" He asked softly his eyes never leaving the plate.

Alex looked a bit puzzled "I added an extra egg and a bit of bacon grease it adds more flavor...why?" she asked a bit confused. "this is the recipe my grandma taught me and the other children my age when I was young. "how did you know that we added an extra egg?" she asked softly. She looked at him a bit confused. "you look like you've seen a ghost she grabbed a wash cloth off the sink and wiped his head a bit to remove the sweat.

He pushed the plate away and burried his face into his arms on the table. There wasn't anymore holding back even if he wanted to. Tear ran silently down his face unable to control his emotions anymore. Why was she taken from him, why couldn't he have been taken with her? Questions ran through his mind as his body continued to let the tears flow. "Why must I continue to be tortured without you Lynn?" He asked aloud to himself. "Why couldn't I go with you?"

"Lynn?" she was remembering her cousin and how she had died a couple years ago could this be the man she had spoken of no it was impossible there were many girls named Lynn. Her mind began to wander

she was sitting on the porch with her cousin Lynn "he really loves me I've never met some one that makes me so happy he's so perfect." Lynn said smiling. "no that is impossible how can any one be perfect" she replied. "he just is. perfect for me he truly loves me" Lynn said laughing a bit.

Alex shook her head coming back to reality. "I'm so sorry" she said a tear running down her cheek as she stroked his back she felt bad for reminding him she did not intend to.

"It isn't your fault." He said softly trying to calm himself down. "I'm sorry I can't eat anymore of the food you made, it tastes like she made it." He explained through his slowing sobs. His body and mind started hating everything again, it wasn't her fault he couldn't really cry without getting angry. "I think you should go though I don't want to be an ass again."

"I'm not afraid of you saying hurtful things I know you don't mean them you say them to protect yourself" Alex said softly "I will only leave if it is what you really want. I would like to be a friend to you and I won't leave" she said softly looking at him with kindness. She wanted to help him if she could but at this point she wasn't sure she could.

A few days later she shwoed up again at his apartment knocking on the door hopign he was home.

"Hey." He said opening up the door. "Sorry about a few days ago, I don't really know what happened." He looked like he had just got home from a long shift of work, which he had. They had scheduled him for the graveyard shift where he couldn't insult anyone. It might have been morning but he was ready to pass out and sleep. "Come on in." He said softly moving over to the couch. "Make yourself at home I know you won't rob me or anything." He mused in a slightly playful tone, no he trusted her for some unforeseen reason. He turned on the t/v/ trying to keep himself awake but within a matter of ten minutes he had passed out on the couch.

Alex smiled and walked inside sitting on the couch "I have no reason to rob a friend" she said softly and smiled at him "are you doing any better?" she asked lookigna bit concerned. "I hope so I was worried about you." she said softly. She looked him over carefully he was kind of cute but she wasn't ready for relationship right now she just needed a guy she felt like she could trust and be close to.

He was barely able to answer her questions before his body passed out from exhaustion. He hadn't had time to turn the heater on so within fifteen minutes of him sleeping he was shivering cold. His mind was blank not much going on in there, but he had forgotten that she was sitting next to him and he moved slightly and laid his head in her lap without realizing it.

Alex slowly got up going to his closet to get a blanket for him then she saw her cousins picture and she gasped he was the man she had spoken of, she had only heard of how her family had treated him. She hurried over to him covering him with the blanket and sat down pulling his head back onto her lap gently stroking the side of his face as if trying to soothe him. She felt a strange connection she felt drawn to him. Even now that she knew he had been her cousins one and only love.

Kole turned slightly his left hand resting on her right thigh. He nuzzled a bit closer forgetting that it wasn't Lynn he was laying on. The memories came back and he couldn't control them. He was happy, and mostly at peace with just his head laying in 'Lynn's' lap. with a soft content sigh his mouth opened. "I love you baby." His body rolled over facing her stomach while his left hand moved to hold hers as he continued to sleep.

Alex was happy for a brief moment enjoying this affection she had never been given before but then quickly realized it wasn't meant for her. She wanted some one who heartedly loved her and the one person she had known to give that love have given that to some one else the only thign she'd ever wanted she couldn't have because his heart belonged to some one else and that person was her cousin. This hurt her deeply, she got up movign away.

his head hit the couch with a thud and he snapped awake. "Huh?" He mused looking up. His hands rubbed his eyes and his vision came into focus with her there. "Hey Alex, whats up?" He asked tiredly barely able to remember that she had come over. "How long was I out?" He sat up and went over to the fridge. "Want something to drink?" for some reason all he could speak were questions unsure of what had happened or what was going on.

Alex decided not to say anything to him right now "sure I'll have some water" she said softly "you weren't out for very long "I was going to see if you wanted to go play pool tonight with me it might be good for you to get otu and do something." she said softly she looked at hima slight affection showing she hoped that he wouldn't see jsut yet.

"Yeah We can go play pool, though I haven't played in a while might be a bit rusty." He yawned pulling out a bottle of water for her and a glass for some orange juice. "I think I'll be able to survive at least three more hours without being burnt out tired." He smiled a bit in her direction. Was it wrong that he thought she was beautiful? He didn't really know the rules about dating after someone you love passed. He knew he wasn't supposed to compare anyone to her but she reminded him so much of Lynn and he couldn't understand why.

Alex bit her lip thinking she wanted to tell him but didn't, She looked him over a bit shyly he had actually smiled at her. she returned the smile "then lets go you look like you need some fun and I'm going to make sure you get it" she said softly smiling she walked over and hugged him. she was a bit of a huggy person she was jsut sweet like that.

Wait was this a date? He didn't know but he sure as shit wasn't going to ask. No it couldn't be a date they didn't know each other well enough yet. What harm could a game off pool do though? He drank down his juice and then headed for the door. He grabbed his keys and locked it after they left the house and went in the direction of the bar. It was barely 10 am so happy hour wouldn't start for a few more hours. He figured she shouldn't be there during that time because there were people worse then him around that time.

She smiled softly as she walked next to him towards the bar, "so is there anything you like to do for fun?" she asked trying to get a conversation going. Secretly she wished this were a date he seemed so cold and harsh at first but once you got to know him a bit he wasn't at all like that. That was just his shield he used to protect himself. He was exactly as Lynn had said she remembered how they would talk online when they weren't at family get togethers. Alex was the only one Lynn could really talk to about him the rest of the family hated him because they thought he was holding her back.

"There isn't much I really do anymore." He shrugged. "I go to work come home, go to the bar, and then back to work. it's a pretty endless circle. I haven't found anything I like to do since that day I don't even go to the mall anymore because of a damn restraining order from her family. I always felt uncomfortable going over there. The kitchen knives might as well have been in my back." He sighed once more as they continued to walk around the corner heading to the bar. "I more or less died at her funeral." He admitted aloud.

"but wouldn't she want you to live out your life and be happy again." she said softly She looked up at him with smile but dropped it for now. She felt so strange being with him. She walked into the bar and ordered herself a drink and went over grabbing a cue. "you ready to shed the rust?" she teased him a bit she was very playful by nature.

"Yeah I can work on getting my game back." He said picking up a cue. "That restraining order really through me for a wreck. I'm not allowed within a hundred yards of them even in public places." He groaned at that fact as he racked the balls for the game. "It pretty much killed my whole life besides this place. Might as well be hired as a bouncer."